Riley's Revenge
by C-Man
Summary: Angel comes to town to kill that inbred, buck-toothed Iowan schmuck that Buffy's been dating, but things don't go as planned.


Author: C-Man  
Disclaimer:You can't sue me, I'm broke! Ha! But I still don't own these characters. In fact, I stole the story concept too, so I own nothing!  
Rating: PG-13, there's some swearing  
Spoilers:Uh, it's all mixed up, continuity wise. Just read the damn thing. Oh, and I killed off Anya in a messy and undetermined way. She ain't here.  
Distribution:Hey, get your grubby hands away from my fic!!! Actually, I could care less. Want? Take. Have.  
Feedback:Absolutely. It's like a drug. No flames please.  
Notes: This is a spoof of all those fics you see on fanfiction.net that have Angel killing Riley, who is always portrayed as an idiotic hick, and then hooks up with Buffy. Also, it's sort of a response to a challenge I saw a while ago. I won't tell ya what it is, cuz that'd ruin the story! And by the way, taking this story seriously would be a mistake. I know I write a lot of adjective and adverbs, but that's just the way I am. :)  
... - thoughts  
  
  
Riley's Revenge!  
  
  
It was night time, and Riley Finn was ambling down Sunnydale's main drag with a wide but idiotic smile on his face. In keeping with his farm-bred background, he was jauntily whistling 'Old MacDonald' as he strutted down the sidewalk. Riley cracked open a can of Jolt cola as he walked and took a swig of it, not caring as some of it spilled down his shirt, and resumed his whistling.  
  
Suddenly, just as he reached 'with an oink, oink here', a dark figure jumped out of the darkness in front of the sometimes-soldier. With a girlish screech, Riley dropped his drink and shrunk back in terror. He was not used to being surprised by dark figures in the night without his back-up team and his trusty blaster. He wasn't Buffy, he couldn't fight the big nasties of the night with his bare hands!  
  
"W-W-W-Who a-a-are y-y-you?" Riley stuttered in utter dread.  
  
The dark figure stepped forward into the streetlight and Riley squeaked in fear as he saw that his confronter was none other the hunky Angel, vampire with a soul!  
  
"Riley Finn," Angel said in a dangerously low voice that scared the poor Iowan even more. "You inbred, buck-toothed, brainless, completely pathetic farm boy. I am going to *kill* you."  
  
By this point, poor Riley was quivering in fear and he had lost control of his bladder functions. "N-N-No, Angel, please!" he begged. "Don't kill me! I-I don't wanna die." Finn seemed to be on the verge of tears by now.  
  
Angel smirked cruelly at the pitiful excuse for a human being cowering before him. "You think you can touch Buffy, *my* Buffy," he emphasized. "with your disgusting, shit-picking hands and get away with it!?" Angel took another calm step forward and Riley staggered backwards, falling flat on his ass. "We are meant to be together. Soulmates, Finn. Soulmates! Nothing can keep us apart, especially not a whimpering mess like you."  
  
Angel vamped out and Riley screamed in horror. The vampire hauled Riley up by his lapels and held them face to face. Tears were streaming from the Iowan's eyes as Angel growled at him.  
  
"P-P-Please, Angel," Riley pleaded again. "N-N-No..."  
His pleas fell on deaf ears, however, as Angel sank his fangs into Riley Finn's neck and drank deep.  
  
Then Riley laughed.  
  
But not the imbecilic snickering people would associate with corn-bred hicks and Goofy the cartoon dog of Disney fame. Riley's laughter was the happy chuckling of a happy man.  
  
"Y'know, Xander was right. You really are an idiot."  
  
Suddenly, Angel felt a tearing pain in his belly. He pulled his fangs out of Riley's neck and yelled out his agony. Nonchalantly, Mr. Finn pushed the vampire off him and brushed himself off as Angel fell to the ground, clutching his abdomen and writhing in anguish.  
  
Riley looked down calmly at the writhing mass of hair gel and black leather on the ground before him. "You're probably wondering why it is you're in such unbearable pain right now, aren't you, Angel?" Riley asked in a clear and confident tone. Angel's only answer was a keening wail.  
  
Riley walked around Angel, smirking down at him the whole way, and picked up his discarded can of Jolt. He poured what was left of it on Angel's face and the vampire inadvertantly swallowed some of it. More painful yells resulted.  
  
"Well, it goes something like this. Me and my boys bagged this big demon a few weeks back. The professor identified it as a Quenmaylosantamar demon," he pronounced the name perfectly, despite it's cumbersome nature. "Turns out, their blood is like poison to members of the undead community such as yourself. I was able to get my hands on some of this stuff for 'experimentation of military utility against hostile subterrestrials', as I explained at the time." Riley adopted a thoughtful pose. "Which, when you think about it, is pretty much true." He smiled and shook his head as he continued to circle the poisoned vampire. "At least, that'll be the official reason when my superiors ask what happened to it. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. You see, I injected some of this stuff into my drink here before I left the campus. And when this," Riley pulled a beeper-like device out of his pocket, "little baby went off, I knew that the tracking device I had planted in your blood supply in LA, which you probably guzzled down without even knowing it, was letting me know you were within a hundred feet of me. Then I drank some of my tainted drink, the demon's blood passed into my veins and you, happily, decided to suck on my neck a bit instead of snapping it like any demon with half a brain would have. But now you're thinking 'Riley, how is it that you knew I was coming tonight?'" The soldier viciously kicked Angel in the gut and the vampire moaned in pain. "Glad you asked!"  
  
Riley then pulled a small tape player from his pocket. "In addition to spiking your blood with our little gizmos, I tapped your office while I was at it." Riley pushed play and a conversation started rolling.  
  
"Angel," the tape said, in a British accent. "Where are you going?"  
  
"Sunnydale," Angel's voice said.  
  
"Why?" the Brit asked worriedly. "Has Cordelia had a vision?"  
  
"No, Wesley, no skull-cracking migraines for me today," a female voice accompanied by the tapping of high heel shoes said.  
  
"Guys, look," Angel said light-heartedly. "I'm just paying a visit to Sunnydale, maybe stop say hi to Buffy," his two co-workers groaned in annoyance. "And kill Riley Finn." The clunking of shoes could be heard, followed by a door opening and closing.   
  
More footsteps were heard, followed by Cordelia asking, "Is he gone?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good." And then there was a crash, as though someone had just swiped the contents of a desk onto the floor. And then there was wet smacking noises as though two people were making out hot and heavy on a desk that had just been cleared off. And then there was a groaning noise as though two people making out hot and heavy on a desk that had just been cleared off had just groaned. "Oh, God Wesley, yes!!!" Finally, Riley pushed stop.  
  
"Did you know that those two have been going at it behind your back since Wes started working with you?" Angel moaned again, but whether it was this new information or the continuing action of the poison that caused it was up for grabs.  
  
Riley looked at his watch. "Well, looks like I've only got about thirty seconds before you bite the dust, Angel, so I'd better speed things up. Y'see, the truth is, I'm not even from Iowa. I never grew up on a farm. My parents were not related before they got married. That was all window-dressing to make me seem like a harmless, addle-brained, slack-jawed yokel. I mean, hello! I *am* a secret government agent. They don't just let anyone into this gig." Suddenly, Riley smacked his head in mock-forgetfulness. "Oh, geez. Almost forgot." He pulled a vial of blue liquid out of yet another pocket. "The demon's blood is still fatal to humans, but it takes longer to work. And if you take this," he gestured with the vial and popped the cork on it before downing it in one gulp, "before the final symptoms set in, well, I'll be right as rain in no time." Riley smiled and checked his watch one last time. "Time for the big finish, Deadboy. And three, two, one," he counted down and then cleared his throat. "Angel 'no-last-name', this ... is your death!"  
  
And Angel let out a blood-curdling scream at that instant before his body disintegrated into dust from the inside out.  
  
Riley smiled happily and kicked at the Dust Pile Formerly Known As Angel before doing the Mexican Hat Dance on Angel's remains. Finally stopping, Riley called out, "OK, Buffy! You can come out now."  
  
Buffy Summers stepped out from behind a fence one house down and skipped over to where Riley was relishing in his defeat over Angel. "Have fun, dear?"  
  
"Oh, tons, baby," Riley smirked as he pulled his girlfriend to him. "The dead guy's dust buster food and I am in the mood for some ... celebrating," he said suggestively.  
  
"Well, that's great, Riley, but, unfortunately, we don't have time."  
  
"What, you have to go slaying or something?" he asked and his patented sleazy grin returned. "Cuz we don't have to walk all the way back to campus, you know. There's a pretty big bush right over there..."  
  
Buffy smiled up at soldier-boy. "No, Riley. I mean you're not going to be alive much longer."  
  
Riley abruptly pushed Buffy away from him. "What?"  
  
"She said you won't be alive much longer, Riley my boy. The poison'll see to that."  
  
Riley spun around to confront the owner of the voice, which he recognized instantly. "Xander! What-what are you talking about."  
  
Xander Harris grinned widely in Riley's direction, but the soldier could see that it was focused on the blond Slayer behind him. "That, um, 'antidote' you took? Well, I don't think water with blue food coloring will cut it against poisonous demon blood."  
  
Suddenly, without warning, Riley felt his insides starting to churn around like, well butter in a butter-churner. Only replace the butter with vital organs. Which, let me tell you, would make some pretty fucked up butter.  
  
Riley fell to his knees and gritted his teeth against the overwhelming and mind-numbing pain that was ripping through his entire body. The demon's blood was extremely corrosive. It would quickly eat away at his organs, leaving a black mush behind. It was perhaps the worst pain known to man. Especially since it attacked reproductive organs first.  
  
Xander strutted triumphantly over to Buffy, casually shoving poor Finn's body to the ground. Seeing as how Riley's testicles were decaying at the time, the soldier didn't notice. Xander pulled Buffy into a long and steamy kiss, which the Slayer returned eagerly. The two were very irritated when the death throes of Riley became too loud to ignore.  
  
"W-W-Why, B-B-Buffy? I proved myself! I'm not a stupid inbred hick from Iowa! I-I killed Angel for you!"  
  
"Yeah, and what an accomplishment that was!" Xander said sarcastically. "Not that we aren't grateful and all, but pfft! If you look up dumb villian in the dictionary, you'll see ol' Dustboy's ugly mug."  
  
"B-But why *him* Buffy?"  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes, annoyed. "Because, Riley, even though you're not the monumental moron that people think you are, Xander is still better than you at everything. Everything!" She started listing things off on her fingers. "He's got his own apartment, he's got an actual job, not night-time half-assed demon hunter like you, he kisses better and don't even get me started on the sex!"  
  
Xander smirked and wrapped his arm around Buffy's shoulder. "My Buff's a nymphomaniac."  
  
The Slayer shot him a disbelieving look. "I am *not* addicted to sex!" she claimed.  
  
Rolling his eyes, Xander countered, "Oh please, Buff. Tell me if this rings a bell," In a poor imitation of Buffy's voice, Xander said. "'Please, Xan? Just one more time? It's only been nine times tonight.'"  
  
Crossing her arms in front of her chest, Buffy pouted. "I wasn't tired, yet."  
  
"Ah, I can never resist the Buffy pout. I promise I'll make it up to you tonight. I've got a baker's dozen cookin', I think," he wiggled his eyebrows in a *very* suggestive manner.  
  
Buffy slowly licked her lips in a, you guessed it, *suggestive* way. "Well, then, we'd better get started, dontcha think?"  
  
Xander nodded enthusiastically and glanced at Riley, who by now resembled a pile of melted flesh more than a person. A faint gurgling sound came from the mush-pile's quasi-mouth. Xander grimaced. "Think we should dump soldier boy's body somewhere?"  
  
Buffy shook her head quickly, obviously impatient to get on with the sex marathon that Xander had promised. "Nah. Demons turn to mush all the time when I kill 'em. People'll just think he's one of them."  
  
"OK," Xander agreed. And the happy couple wrapped their arms behind each other's backs and walked off, leaving the dust and mush of Buffy's ex-boyfriends behind.  
  
As the walked away, Scott Hope walked into view and was promptly ripped to shreds by a roving band of demons. Then Parker Abrams appeared to examine the remains, but was struck by a bolt of lightning from an small thundercloud that disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. Parker's charred body dropped to the ground. Ben the hospital intern came upon the scene and ran to Parker's body to administer medical attention. However, Ben tripped over a curb and broke his neck, which also killed Glory and freed up time in season five for some quality B/X moments. Then Spike appeared and laughed at everyone's misfortunes before setting off after Buffy and Xander, plotting how to kill Xander with that sodding chip in his head. He was so deep in thought, though, that he didn't notice the sun rise until he was on fire. Spike ran around like a vampire in flames before he burst into ashes himself.  
  
And somewhere out there, a fanfic writer laughed in maniacal glee.  
  
The End  
  
I'm a B/Xer! Whattaya expect?  
  
The challenge was for Buffy and Xander to get together over the dead bodies of everyone standing in the way of their coupledom. But I just couldn't bring myself to kill off (said in a deep, Barry White-like voice) those lovely, sexy la-dies. :-)  
  
C-Man  
  
PS - Hope to get the next part of Veritable Cornucopia out in a week. Thanks for your patience and the complete lack of threatening e-mails. :)  
  
  



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